As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's ass. It's the tortoise life for me! And here is why.

1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older and wiser, here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter.

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


                            (--------author unknown)


anne marie in philly said...


Anonymous said...

I really enjoyed this! Thanks! I'll keep them in mind.

Keep what in mind?!?!

Peace <3

Java said...

Lol! I particularly like the senility prayer. :)

the cajun said...

So, Henny Youngman lives! Thanks for the early morning laugh-fest.
Here are a few of my Youngman Faves:
10. Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

9. There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

8. While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

7. Those two are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.

6. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

5. My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

4. My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

3. My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

2. She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

1. I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

(I'll be here all week. Try the veal!)

Ur-spo said...

hohoho - it reminds me of Mark Twain's advice: "If you can't reach 70 by a comfortable road, don't go".

Roger said...

thanks for the chuckle after a long day of being poked and prodded.